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Friendly Spousal Abuse (2)

Author(s):
Ann Birch
Issue:
On Teachers (September 2020)
Department:
Letters

Dear Editor: The author of “Secrets in the Friendly Home” describes a life uncannily like the one I would still be living without a late-life separation and divorce.

I think some of our Quaker practices may make it harder for us to imagine, let alone deal with, the suffering some Friends experience behind closed doors. We think the best of people. We see that of God in everyone. An abuser who cares deeply about others’ good opinion may find a Friends meeting an easy place to shine.

When my husband had anything to say, he considered it simply respectful for me to drop whatever I was doing and listen. I must “not interrupt.” When allowed to speak, I must “not argue.” Sound anything like Quaker worship at its most trying?

Only as I watched a capable, young judge bring her skills, experience, and personal grace to bear – as my then-husband offered her tastes of the contempt he had served me – only as I watched her treat him with scrupulous fairness and care, did I realize how impossible was the task I had been set by taking on that marriage.

Anonymous describes the strength she gains from her piano. Good! I neglected mine for decades because my ex said my mistakes made him so nervous. I began to play during the pandemic, mistakes and all. Whatever the writer may do, I will imagine her “leaning into fingers on the piano” and hold her in the Light.  ~~~

–Ann Birch, El Paso Friends Meeting (IMYM)

misogyny spousal abuse

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