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Time to be Kinder

Author(s):
Molly Wingate, Paula Van Dusen, Pam Garcia, Judy Ribble
Issue:
On Innocence (May 2024)
Department:
Healing the World

As a former member of Intermountain Yearly Meeting’s nominating committee, I heard Friends say they were unwilling to volunteer for service positions because they had experienced rudeness or meanness when they had served previously. As is the case with many yearly meetings, IMYM struggles to fill all of its open positions. I have heard many good, personal, professional, and spiritual reasons for Friends to turn down opportunities to serve the yearly meeting. But this was different. This was about Friends being treated badly when they served. Some even left the Society of Friends altogether because of it.

I brought this up during a meeting of IMYM’s Nominating Committee, and the four of us began to talk about it. What can we do when Friends aren’t supportive of the Friends who volunteer for service, or when they are actually rude and mean? Is there anything we can do to encourage Friends to be kinder to each other? We each had a different perspective on where the rudeness and meanness come from and what we Friends might do to improve our collective behavior. We decided to conduct a panel on this subject at our annual gathering last summer.

Paula Van Dusen

Paula Van Dusen from Mountain View Meeting in Denver spoke first. She shared some insights from her own scholarly research about systemic inequality. She pointed out that our Quaker meetings can embody systemic inequality and that patterns of domination can emerge among us, in which we behave as if the Society of Friends is a hierarchy. For example, we informally call some people “weighty Friends,” and we tend to accord more import to birthright Friends. We do the same with clerks, acting as if they are somehow more or better.

Paula pointed out that just because someone has been around longer doesn’t mean that the person has more wisdom or insight than anyone else. If instead we think of ourselves as equals, we will be able to see each other’s actions more clearly and will not accord certain individuals with a sort of unchallengeable special status. When people feel secure and equal, then they are more likely to share their ideas and their talents.

We need to stay on the lookout for “inequality thinking” and catch it when it pops up.

We need to stay on the lookout for “inequality thinking” and catch it when it pops up. In the secular world, some jobs have higher status than others. That kind of hierarchical thinking can creep into our meetinghouses, causing some committees to be considered more important than others, and some positions more powerful than others. Consequently, Friends who volunteer to serve in certain positions can end up feeling “less than,” and power struggles can arise. Our testimony of equality should mitigate against such behavior, but it doesn’t always.

As Friends, we must remind ourselves that all the committees and all the jobs we do for Friends are equally important. When we understand ourselves to be equal, we will be more generous in our service and in our support of others.

Pam Garcia

Pam Garcia from Flagstaff Meeting spoke next. She considered some individual dimensions of rudeness and meanness. She asked Friends to consider John Calvi’s suggestions for finding and nurturing our own goodness, which he shares in his 2019 book, How Far Have You Travelled? Calvi says our own goodness increases our “power with compassion” and helps reduce the power of guilt.

Calvi encourages us to seek out five experiences to build our own goodness. First, give and receive love and trust; let them grow to include trust in your own home and family, your companions, and in your meeting with Friends. Second, say yes to jobs that allow you to use your own power to work for the common good. Third, take a stand of conscience. Fourth, take on a personal role that feeds you, a role that suits your talents and is something you need to do right now. Finally, Calvi says that to build your goodness, you must feel awe towards the Divine.

To build your goodness, you must feel awe towards the Divine.

Calvi also points out some obstacles to our own goodness. First is pain – physical, emotional, and spiritual. Vanity is another obstacle – when we are more concerned about how things look than how they really are. False humility gets in our way, too. Calvi also lists, shame, manipulation, bullying, and self-deception as obstacles in the way of goodness.

Pam shared Calvi’s suggested antidotes to these obstacles. The first is reverence, knowing what’s important and what needs to be treated carefully and respectfully. The second is personal honesty and respect for differences. Third, a clear sense of self, so you can bring in the new and good, and not be hampered by the old things that you’ve
done wrong.

Pam said Calvi’s work reminds her of the instruction from Sikh guru Ram Das, “Be here now.” We need to be here now and work toward our goodness from where we are.

Pam concluded by proposing that Calvi’s framework can help Friends to do the personal work necessary for becoming more like the persons we want to be in difficult or tense situations. Pam hopes this framework can help us seek a kinder Society of Friends.

Judy Ribble

Judy Ribble from Quakerhouse in Santa Fe focused on the damage we do when we gossip and resort to snarkiness. Obviously, such remarks make Friends feel vulnerable and harshly judged.

Judy pointed out that when we make fun of someone, we might be not aware that we are spotlighting our own fears by projecting them onto the other person. Karl Jung suggested that the only evil in the world derives from self-hatred. We project what we don’t like about ourselves onto others. With the understanding that gossip and snarkiness have roots in our own fears and our own faults, Friends might pause before they complain about each other.

Molly Wingate

Our final panelist, Molly Wingate of Colorado Springs Meeting, looked at the problem of Friends being rude and mean through the lens of communication. When one Friend comments on another Friend’s service, they sometimes seem to forget they are communicating with another person. The first Friend might think they are sharing “helpful advice” or even constructive “eldering,” but such communications can be received either as supportive or critical – or somewhere in between. Communications may be well intentioned, but they are likely to be damaging if they are offered in anger, frustration, ignorance, or judgment, rather than in love or in the Light.

Communications may be well intentioned, but they are likely to be damaging if they are offered in anger.

Molly offered three specific suggestions for improving communications among Friends, so that we can support each other in doing the best that we can for our Quaker meetings.

First, before you provide “helpful advice” to any Friend about their Quaker service, familiarize yourself with their job description and with the committee (or other body) that they are serving. That is, before you tell someone they are doing something wrong, take a minute to find out whether you really understand what’s going on. If you are feeling frustrated with a person’s performance, try to figure out why. Try to determine if the source of your frustration actually lies in the person’s performance or somewhere else.

Second, before you correct or comment on a Friend’s service, reflect on what you hope to accomplish. Consider how to approach the matter kindly. Spend time in prayer. Seek the Spirit.

For example, if I think that someone should take care of something at the annual gathering, I first need to check my ego and think about what I am trying to accomplish for Friends – and distinguish that from what I might be trying to accomplish for myself. Once I am clear that I do have some constructive advice for a particular Friend, I must next consider the best approach and tone to take when I approach them. Friends may value plain speech, but that doesn’t mean we get a pass on being rude or mean. Before I approach a person, I need to think about who they are and what I know about how they take criticism.

Third, when you volunteer for a service position, consider creating a support committee for yourself, so you will have ready access to informed support and feedback while you are doing your new job. It is wonderful to feel upheld in the Light as you do something difficult. And a trusted support group can give you ongoing, timely, constructive criticism. Don’t wait until someone is upset with you to learn that you might rather do something differently. Ask your support group specific questions about how you are doing.

As a nominating committee, Paula, Pam, Judy, and Molly believe that Friends would do better at supporting and encouraging others in service if we were more thoughtful about equality, our own hurts, the damage we can do with our words, and how to communicate carefully. Will this solve all our problems? No. But we ask that you to hold our concern about kindness in the Light. ~~~

Paula Van Dusen is a member of Mountain View Friends Meeting in Denver, Colorado. Pam Garcia is a member of Flagstaff Friends Meeting in New Mexico. Judy Ribble is a member of Quakerhouse in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Molly Wingate is a member of Colorado Springs Friends Meeting in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Molly is also a workshop leader, poet, and a member of the Board of Directors of Western Friend.

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